Naval Gazing

Alright, it’s been a while since I’ve posted a review. I’d like to take this moment to apologise to my followers, both of you. Sorry and…sorry. There, now that that’s done, let’s review the shit out of something. In fact, let’s review the shit out of something loud and epic.

BATTLESHIP!!!

Yes, that’s right. This is a movie based on the board game ‘Battleship’. Who says Hollywood is out of ideas?

Now, I don’t remember much about the original Hasbro game, but I don’t think it came complete with an alien invasion or a Rihanna. This version does, though.

Okay, so they made up a filler-story in order to adapt it for the screen. That’s fine, it’s not like it’s unheard of. Truth be told, it wasn’t all that bad. When I first heard about this film I thought “Eh?”. Then, when I heard the plot I thought “Eh, what?”. Then, when I heard Rihanna was in it I thought “Eh, what the…”. Then, when I heard Liam Neeson was in it I didn’t say anything, cause he’s cashing in on his name a lot these days. Makes sense.

Considering that it’s a 131 minute movie based on this:

…it does a pretty decent job.

I’ll start with the bad points, just to get them over and done with.

1. If you think Liam Neeson is a big part of this movie, get ready to be disappointed.

My guess is that your assumption might have something to do with this:

As always with marketing campaigns: It’s a lie!

Liam Neeson is in this film for about 9 minutes, maybe not even that. So if you “need some Neeson”, you’ll be disappointed.

2. This movie is a naval recruitment film.

Want to save the world? Join the Navy!

Having technically been in the navy myself (albeit shortly, not in America, and not on a ship of any kind), I can tell you that your responsibilities are largely limited and your experience of warfare is nonexistent. But hey…the film was fine. Just don’t buy into the idea that if you sign your soul over to the military industrial complex you’re going to get to “kill alien scum!”. I know that might seem obvious to most of you, but it’s amazing how impressionable some audience members are.

3. The alien design is Crap with a capital “C”.

ILM must have pitched it as…

Master Chief…

…screwed a cat…

…and gave birth…

…to Ted Nugent.

4. The cliche’ is strong with this one.

Think of every overly-used stereotype, every typical line, and every predictable plot point. This movie just about has them all. Abandon all originality, ye who enter here.

Ok, that’s the bad stuff. The good stuff is quite simply that this film is fun. It’s far from the most fun I’ve ever had in a cinema, but it is fun. It knows how stupid it is, and acknowledges that while aiming for spectacle. In many ways it’s a more honest film than any of the Transformers movies, because Michael Bay seems to think he’s creating an impact with his over-budgeted, chaotic, long, boring, misogynistic, unfunny garbage. This film just wants to give you your moneys-worth. I feel like it did that.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a masterpiece. It’s flawed beyond belief and commercial to the point of nausea, but I have to admit I smiled throughout most of it.

Final Score:

7/10

“Fine”

Rant Over!

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