Screening Dead

Dear you,

The other day I heard about what you’re doing. I want you to know that this is not an attack, but rather a frustrated expression of sore disappointment. It hurts to know that you would treat me, and others like me, with such utter disregard. As if my people don’t already have enough to struggle with, now you’ve removed essential liberties and basic pleasures from an already misunderstood and overlooked group. I’m here to raise a flag of awareness and wag a finger of disapproval at the top one percent of “deciders” in this industry. You know who you are and by now you should know who I am. I am the face of every Troma-film collecting, convention attending, fake-blood dripping, premiere-queueing hardcore horror film fan. I put up with all the crap they call “horror” these days because I care about the survival of the genre. I spend the time and money tracking down the rarest of the rare “scare” gems, even if have to utilise overseas means, because I’m dedicated. I am here, I am loyal, I am proud, and…

I want my Evil Dead

That’s right Sony, your decision to open the Evil Dead remake in Australia as a limited release is crushing my windpipe like a stranglehold from beyond the grave! How can you do this?  I’ve been eagerly anticipating this thing for a good while now and at the last minute you decide to drown it in the bathtub. When I first heard that the MPAA had cut the film massively, in order to give it an R rating, I must admit that I felt a little sick…

…but I got over it. This new development, however, is a gushing wound that needs to be duct-taped! It turns out that the only screening in Melbourne is at Cinema Nova at 1 minute past midnight on a Thursday. Hurray for successful distribution!

This is a damning set of circumstances for a person such as myself, who relies on public transport. How am I supposed to get home after a night of tongue splitting and tree rape when the only screening ends at 2 a.m.? You fools at Sony have  a proven success on your hands, a film that raked in over four times it’s budget in profits overseas, and you’re ditching it in the forest like it’s a deformed child!

In the distance I hear a seductive voice chanting “…download it…download it…”, and it grows stronger every minute. If you want to win the war against piracy, Sony, you need  to meet the demand properly. After all, that is your job…you whorehags!

Ok, breathe, breathe! Calm own Carl! We said this wasn’t going to be an attack and it’s not! Relax, recompose, and…

YOU WANKS! TURN YOUR EARS ON AND LISTEN TO WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT FOR ONCE!

Well, so much for that…

CUTTING OFF AN ENTIRE COUNTRY FROM TRULY ENJOYING THIS MOVIE, AND FOR NO GOOD REASON, MAKES YOU NOTHING MORE THAN ABYSMAL LOSERS! YOU’RE FAILURES OF THE WORST KIND, AN EMBARRASSMENT TO YOUR AUDIENCE! YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL! LET JESUS FUCK YOU!

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to go off like that. It’s just the anger, it takes over me when I think about how you’re treating this movie the same way you treated Cabin in the Woods. It makes me sad and then my blood starts to boil…

and now you'll burn in hell!

Alright, alright, I’m fine. Relax, put your weapons down.

Because of your bizarre economic strategy, I’m not going to get to see your movie. I would have gladly lined up around the block for it, paid my money, dressed up in costume, and even had my evil hand crawl me into the cinema if necessary. Unfortunately, my evil hand and I will have to find something else to do on Thursday night.

I…I don’t know what that look is for…but anyway…

What more can I possibly say to try and cure your diseased minds? There are hordes of gore-loving fans who would pay bucket-loads to see Evil Dead, but those dollars will remain neatly tucked in their wallets instead of pouring into your cash-grabbin’ entertainment enterprise. Why? Because in this moment…you were stupid.

Shape up!

Sincerely yours, me.

– Gentle concerned letter…Over!

2 thoughts on “Screening Dead

    • Great, just when I entered Norway-Australia limbo this stuff happens. I was lucky and managed to catch Cabin in the Woods in Norway after randomly walking into the cinema and seeing it on the schedule that night…but it was unannounced on their website! There is such a big market out there for this stuff, but some people are just too dumb to realise when they have gold on their hands.
      Guess I’ll just have to wait for the Uncut BluRay. 😦

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